haven't lost it!
every now and then i'll go through my sources, and see a story that says "florida" to me, deep in my gut. sure enough, i nailed it on this one.
a 52-year old unidentified man had been arguing with his father over money. the 77-year old man found himself nearly on fire, thanks to a makeshift blowtorch. the hillsborough county sheriff's office reports that the father was doused with gasoline by his son, and then was nearly set aflame with a makeshift blowtorch, fashioned from a lighter and bug spray.
the next morning, son was charged with aggravated assault and battery against a person older than 65 (did not know that was a separate charge, i learn something everyday!).
so hooray for aspiring arsonists, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
i'm back.
and we find a woman in training. seriously.
aretha brown has to dodge a few more cars in her driveway than most. and also, hers are train cars.
jacksonville based CSX has been parking roughly 40 of its train cars on an area between brown's house and a neighboring street. the train line claims that it didn't know her house ran on its route, but nevertheless has left the train cars there for months.
brown can barely get to her mailbox without having to squeeze between two of the cars. furthermore, her house remains in a state of disrepair because repairmen cannot get to the house. but she won't sell the house, only laughing and saying, "who would want to buy this?"
brown and her sister, mae hailey, are working to have CSX either move the cars, or disconnect some of them so they can move between them. in the meantime, she must shimmy between cars to go to church or any other errands she might have to do.
so hooray for terrible train tyranny, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
aretha brown has to dodge a few more cars in her driveway than most. and also, hers are train cars.
jacksonville based CSX has been parking roughly 40 of its train cars on an area between brown's house and a neighboring street. the train line claims that it didn't know her house ran on its route, but nevertheless has left the train cars there for months.
brown can barely get to her mailbox without having to squeeze between two of the cars. furthermore, her house remains in a state of disrepair because repairmen cannot get to the house. but she won't sell the house, only laughing and saying, "who would want to buy this?"
brown and her sister, mae hailey, are working to have CSX either move the cars, or disconnect some of them so they can move between them. in the meantime, she must shimmy between cars to go to church or any other errands she might have to do.
so hooray for terrible train tyranny, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
and now the shocking conclusion...
though not really funny, just WEIRD.
early friday morning, andrew grande ran from the scene of an alleged physical disturbance in panama city beach. when confronted by investigators, he was seen trying to shove a bag of something in his mouth. turns out it was weed.
grande then managed to briefly break the grip of the officers trying to restrain him, only to be caught with handcuffs and then tasered.
only after grande was tasered did they realize the 23-year old was choking. attempts at the heimlich maneuver failed, and he was pronounced dead at the hospital the officers took him to.
so hooray for thwarting THC time via taser, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
early friday morning, andrew grande ran from the scene of an alleged physical disturbance in panama city beach. when confronted by investigators, he was seen trying to shove a bag of something in his mouth. turns out it was weed.
grande then managed to briefly break the grip of the officers trying to restrain him, only to be caught with handcuffs and then tasered.
only after grande was tasered did they realize the 23-year old was choking. attempts at the heimlich maneuver failed, and he was pronounced dead at the hospital the officers took him to.
so hooray for thwarting THC time via taser, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
some people just shouldn't talk.
james moore, i'm speaking to you now.
bay county deputies arrived at moore's house at 7am to settle a money dispute. he was in a situation where the house should not have been checked, or drugs would have been found.
his coverup? "oh, i haven't smoked meth in four days."
sensing that something was up (good work, bay county!), they asked moore to take a drug test. and in his apparent infinite wisdom, moore refused. and offered this tidbit: "i will fail the drug test. i will tell you what i'll test positive for."
so moore and his girlfriend kim smith (who, for the record, hadn't smoked meth in "three or four days") were arrested and charged with more crimes than the police showed up for- child neglect and possession of drug paraphernalia. why? it was discovered that they had been cooking meth around their baby.
classy.
hooray for meth-fueled misspeaking, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
bay county deputies arrived at moore's house at 7am to settle a money dispute. he was in a situation where the house should not have been checked, or drugs would have been found.
his coverup? "oh, i haven't smoked meth in four days."
sensing that something was up (good work, bay county!), they asked moore to take a drug test. and in his apparent infinite wisdom, moore refused. and offered this tidbit: "i will fail the drug test. i will tell you what i'll test positive for."
so moore and his girlfriend kim smith (who, for the record, hadn't smoked meth in "three or four days") were arrested and charged with more crimes than the police showed up for- child neglect and possession of drug paraphernalia. why? it was discovered that they had been cooking meth around their baby.
classy.
hooray for meth-fueled misspeaking, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
beta hall, lock your doors.
the boxerman's coming for you.
a resident of USF's beta hall woke up to an unusual and probably terrifying sight: a boxer-clad man touching her face. when her roommate awoke, daniel boliek of coral springs fled, making a scene as he left the building.
the scene included removing what little clothing he had left on, pretending to shoot an RA with his fingers in the shape of a gun, tried punching a person but instead pushing her backward, and then "suckerpunching" the arresting officer. the final act led to his being pepper spray.
seemingly undeterred, he faked an offensive gesture (i'll draw some lines as to what i talk about, as i do work for these people...) and then fled the residence hall. boliek was apprehended at about 6am. whether he was clothed or not, i don't know.
he remains in jail. hopefully he's in a cell by himself.
in any case, hooray for horrifying hall harrassment, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
a resident of USF's beta hall woke up to an unusual and probably terrifying sight: a boxer-clad man touching her face. when her roommate awoke, daniel boliek of coral springs fled, making a scene as he left the building.
the scene included removing what little clothing he had left on, pretending to shoot an RA with his fingers in the shape of a gun, tried punching a person but instead pushing her backward, and then "suckerpunching" the arresting officer. the final act led to his being pepper spray.
seemingly undeterred, he faked an offensive gesture (i'll draw some lines as to what i talk about, as i do work for these people...) and then fled the residence hall. boliek was apprehended at about 6am. whether he was clothed or not, i don't know.
he remains in jail. hopefully he's in a cell by himself.
in any case, hooray for horrifying hall harrassment, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
this sex ended with a bang...
well, four bangs and two 911 calls.
wade edwards must have known something was going on when he walked into his daughter's room . and sure enough, the 16 year old girl was having sex with her 18 year old boyfriend, julian harp. so he did what any concerned father would. he closed the door, returned with a loaded handgun, and shot harp 4 times.
harp managed to limp out of the house to call 911, while edwards called 911 to turn himself in for the crime. apopka police say that it is one of the most unique crimes of passion they've seen, while neighbors say that he overreacted, but was at the same time justified. not sure how that makes sense...
in any case, hooray for breaking up banging with bullets, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
wade edwards must have known something was going on when he walked into his daughter's room . and sure enough, the 16 year old girl was having sex with her 18 year old boyfriend, julian harp. so he did what any concerned father would. he closed the door, returned with a loaded handgun, and shot harp 4 times.
harp managed to limp out of the house to call 911, while edwards called 911 to turn himself in for the crime. apopka police say that it is one of the most unique crimes of passion they've seen, while neighbors say that he overreacted, but was at the same time justified. not sure how that makes sense...
in any case, hooray for breaking up banging with bullets, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
try to ride this bike with no handlebars.
those ones belong to me!
imagine losing your bike to a burglar, and going on craigslist to find a new one. them imagine scrolling through listings only to find your own bike for sale. for well over a hundred dollars less than yours is worth, and knowing that it's yours because of the custom handlebars.
now you, my friend, are in the mindset of our victim.
michael anthony tribble of riverview was arrested and charged with burglary, after he was discovered as the seller of the bike, identified on craigslist because of the custom handlebars. a pair of officers set up a sting at a sweetbay supermarket to catch the burglar. after a match of serial numbers and a brief chase, tribble was caught and the bike was returned.
so hooray for blundering bike burglars, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
imagine losing your bike to a burglar, and going on craigslist to find a new one. them imagine scrolling through listings only to find your own bike for sale. for well over a hundred dollars less than yours is worth, and knowing that it's yours because of the custom handlebars.
now you, my friend, are in the mindset of our victim.
michael anthony tribble of riverview was arrested and charged with burglary, after he was discovered as the seller of the bike, identified on craigslist because of the custom handlebars. a pair of officers set up a sting at a sweetbay supermarket to catch the burglar. after a match of serial numbers and a brief chase, tribble was caught and the bike was returned.
so hooray for blundering bike burglars, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
admittedly, this is a new one.
"sorry officer, but my tooth hurt..."
striking a flagpole, fire hydrant, and bus bench while losing control of a vehicle is pretty impressive.
even more impressive if you're not under the influence of alcohol.
yet a 33 year old bradenton woman was flown to a local hospital with pretty serious injuries after losing control of her vehicle, according to the bradenton police department. while she's there, she should probably have someone look at her tooth.
yes, her tooth. the excruciating pain of an abscessed tooth was allegedly the cause for such a catastrophic accident. the crash remains under investigation, but with no other cars involved, she may be telling the truth.
so hooray for crashes caused by cantankerous cuspids, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
striking a flagpole, fire hydrant, and bus bench while losing control of a vehicle is pretty impressive.
even more impressive if you're not under the influence of alcohol.
yet a 33 year old bradenton woman was flown to a local hospital with pretty serious injuries after losing control of her vehicle, according to the bradenton police department. while she's there, she should probably have someone look at her tooth.
yes, her tooth. the excruciating pain of an abscessed tooth was allegedly the cause for such a catastrophic accident. the crash remains under investigation, but with no other cars involved, she may be telling the truth.
so hooray for crashes caused by cantankerous cuspids, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
i didn't realize it...
but this might be the most "florida" story i've ever read.
along with a lot of snowbirds, we have a second population that booms in the state of florida: feral pigs. called "creepy" by many residents, the pigs can be as large as 3 feet tall, and 200 pounds. we have the spanish settlers in the 1500s to thank for their proliferation here, and now the population is out of control.
the south florida water management district has a solution. shoot 'em. more specifically, let children shoot 'em.
20 students, including 9 year old cecelia plummer, are embarking on an expedition to a manatee county reserve to hunt and kill the pigs, thus reducing the population in the wild. swiftmud held an essay contest to recruit the students, who will be of ages 8-16
the hunt began three years ago, with an expanded focus to include deer and wild turkey. kenny barker, a youth hunt coordinator, believes that this is helping to reinstitute a dying tradition in the state: children with guns. "this is a part of our heritage here in Florida, and we've lost a couple of generations of hunters," said Barker. "this is an effort to recruit and retain some new hunters for our future. kids need to learn that food doesn't come from a grocery store."
little cecelia is excited about that part. she's already learned to shoot a gun and made a couple bulls-eyes. and her goal when she catches her pig?
"that's easy, make more bacon out of it."
so hooray for a boon in barbaric ways to make bacon, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
along with a lot of snowbirds, we have a second population that booms in the state of florida: feral pigs. called "creepy" by many residents, the pigs can be as large as 3 feet tall, and 200 pounds. we have the spanish settlers in the 1500s to thank for their proliferation here, and now the population is out of control.
the south florida water management district has a solution. shoot 'em. more specifically, let children shoot 'em.
20 students, including 9 year old cecelia plummer, are embarking on an expedition to a manatee county reserve to hunt and kill the pigs, thus reducing the population in the wild. swiftmud held an essay contest to recruit the students, who will be of ages 8-16
the hunt began three years ago, with an expanded focus to include deer and wild turkey. kenny barker, a youth hunt coordinator, believes that this is helping to reinstitute a dying tradition in the state: children with guns. "this is a part of our heritage here in Florida, and we've lost a couple of generations of hunters," said Barker. "this is an effort to recruit and retain some new hunters for our future. kids need to learn that food doesn't come from a grocery store."
little cecelia is excited about that part. she's already learned to shoot a gun and made a couple bulls-eyes. and her goal when she catches her pig?
"that's easy, make more bacon out of it."
so hooray for a boon in barbaric ways to make bacon, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
tour de pants?
[insert bicycle shorts jokes here]
richard irby attracts attention when he rides a bike. maybe it's his superior form. maybe it's a flashy helmet. or maybe it's the fact that up until a few days ago, he was riding close to naked.
55 year old irby had been reported seen riding his bike in a thong, "business" out for the world to see, on august 17th. in less than a week, two more incidents were reported to the leon county police department.
however, he managed to get himself out of trouble with an agreement to stay out of trouble for three months, out of the thong forever...and a pair of bike shorts. irby made sure to point out that his new athletic wear came down to his knees.
so hooray for curious cycling clothing, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
richard irby attracts attention when he rides a bike. maybe it's his superior form. maybe it's a flashy helmet. or maybe it's the fact that up until a few days ago, he was riding close to naked.
55 year old irby had been reported seen riding his bike in a thong, "business" out for the world to see, on august 17th. in less than a week, two more incidents were reported to the leon county police department.
however, he managed to get himself out of trouble with an agreement to stay out of trouble for three months, out of the thong forever...and a pair of bike shorts. irby made sure to point out that his new athletic wear came down to his knees.
so hooray for curious cycling clothing, and HOORAY FLORIDA!
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