we're going to get a reputation...

for having the most electrifying Code Board meetings around.

Tasers. They're not just for drug addicts, kids on school buses, belligerent college students, or pregnant women anymore.

No, we can now add to that list local government officials. Awesome.

Carl Roland Hayes, a lawyer addressing the Tampa Code Enforcement Board got loud with the group and was Tased as a precaution to calm him down. It had no visible effect, and he was carried away from the meeting by an officer. He slapped the officer as he was being carried out, where a maneuver known as the Drive Stun was used to subdue him enough to carry him out of the meeting without getting bitch-slapped again.

He landed himself in Orient Road Jail, but was released on $4500 bail after getting booked for battering an officer.

This may hurt his case in future Code Board meetings.

Shocking?

Well, yes and no.

Cause when there's a crime at a Taco Bell...

what are the odds it DOESN'T have to do with drugs?

I love this one. It's so appropriate of the reputation associated with Taco Bell.

Jonathan David Lee of Indian River County ended his chase from the Taco Bell in the 1800 block of 42nd Street in Kissimmee, informing the homeowner who eventually gave him asylum, "The police are chasing me for no reason."

Back up a few hours. A deputy walked into a bathroom at the Taco Bell, and saw Lee holding up a tube of white powder to his nose. When the deputy announced he was under arrest, Lee shoved the deputy and pounded his head twice into a wall before escaping on his flight of fancy down the 1800 block.

In retrospect, maybe it was that!

Lee was released on $16,000 bail after being charged with burglary (not sure what for), drug offenses, and resisting arrest. I'm sure next time he'll conduct his business in a White Castle or Krystal.

Or maybe at the home of his new friends who saved him from the chase? 

slow news week...

but this next story will hopefully knock you out.

To preface this, I know of at least one art teacher that would have done this in my class.

It would appear that David Adam Grant, an art teacher at Sundland Elementary School, struck an 8-year old for an unspecified reason. They say only that he "hit the eight-year-old student around his left eye with a loosely closed fist, causing a bruise over the right eye."

While I commend Grant for turning himself in (at least he didn't try to justify it by saying that the student made him do it, like the teacher in Tampa who says he smoked weed because he needed it to deal with his students), I would like to point out that this testimony doesn't actually make sense.

So here's to aggressive art teachers and twisted testimony, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

the more you fart, the better you feel...

but in prison you'll be afraid to kneel.

A 13-year old boy in Stuart, Florida was recently arrested at school for classroom antics. Besides frequently turning off other student's computers, he allegedly "continually disrupted the classroom environment."

By farting.

His intentional wind-breaking was enough to compel his teacher to call the police, who kept him in custody until he confessed about his behavior. He was charged with disruption of a school function (being class?) and was released.

And to further editorialize: if they shook this boy up enough, he may never fart again. Which is dangerous. One book that was apparently not on the shelf in this classroom? THE GAS WE PASS. It tells you about the dangers of holding gas in- stomachaches, headaches, I think the end of the world might be in there too...

Anyway, pass that gas! And HOORAY FLORIDA!

$7,500...$7,500...$7,500 footlong?

doesn't have the same ring to it...

And in another installment of "Things People Get Hit With," I submit to you...the humble sandwich.

Created by the Earl of Sandwich as a means by which to play cards and eat at the same time, it was Tuesday used as a weapon when Emmanuelle Rodriguez, 19, of Port St. Lucie became angered at his girlfriend as they drove to their new apartment on I-95, their sleeping 7 month old in the back.

Rodriguez recounts that he "didn't want to hit her, so he threw a sandwich at her face and knocked her glasses off." Unable to see the road, she nearly lost control of the vehcle, but was able to exit at St. Lucie West and call her mother to pick her up. I'm sure him ripping off the rearview mirror and banging the windshield with it didn't help the vision issue.

He was released on $7,500 bail (hence the title of the article, though it is a misnomer because, and I quote from the article, "the type of sandwich hurled was not specified in the report.")

Another great category of Florida crimes

"Things People Attack Other People With."

A 10-year old boy in Port St. Lucie has proven himself to be pretty badass with a pencil.

Ahmad Ware was incensed when a fellow playmate told him he wouldn't play with him.

His response? A stab in the neck with a sharp pencil. The nub broke off under his skin. 

Not to take the situation lightly, a fellow female playmate in the 1900 block of the neighborhood chucked a coconut at the boy, and his younger brother who was also in the yard.

Ware is facing aggravated battery charges, though he insists that he didn't neck-stab the boy, saying that he only hit him.

I still have led in my hand from the 7th grade when I caught a pencil between my fingers that someone threw to me.

I wonder if such subdermal evidence is admissible in court?

Cheers for living in a state with such badass kids (I blame Chuck Norris), and HOORAY FLORIDA!

the mugshot is the best part

...but the crime is pretty interesting too.

Maverna Teresa Turay burned her sleeping husband in the groin with a pot of scalding hot water in Manatee County. He then was flown to a Tampa hospital for treatment, after running out of the house with second degree burns. Impressive, by the way. 

No motive was given as to why she decided to burn him, but she did volunteer the fact that she had been drinking.

Please note: despite committing a rather rude crime, she looks ELATED. That may be the weirdest part of all.

So thank heavens you're not burned in the groin, as it's already hot as hell down here, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

See? These teachers ARE doing their job

...by teaching the world to not educate their children in Florida.

This just in: 150 Florida teachers have been disciplined for sexual misconduct since 2006.

So no, it does not just seem like it's happening a lot here. It is. 

A phenomenon that has been made public by Debra Lafave and Stephanie Ragusa is spreading here in the Sunshine State, fulfilling the adolescent dreams that are truly the stuff of Van Halen songs.

I will use the remainder of this post to highlight the more notable offenses. It makes me want to send my kids (when I have them) to boarding school in Austria. Vacation spot is stunning, and I know they won't end up in court pointing to an anatomically correct doll.

• "a former Apopka High teacher accused of flashing a teenage student with whom she was having an affair";
• "secretly watching a boy change and shower";
• "a ninth grade student in Tampa who asked a student about the color of her nipples";
• "a Port Orange teacher that sent text messages to a boy, calling him "cutie" and "sexie" (oh, the spelling!_

And to comfort you, please note that this figure of 150 does not include "the number of educators who have been suspended or lost their teaching license for molesting non-students, downloading porn on school computers, having sex in public, and trying to pick up prostitutes. Not to mention offenses committed by substitute teachers. Knowing some of the people I know that have been permitted to substitute teach, this could be a WHOLE lot worse.

So seriously consider home school for your little ones, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

Ugh.

Robber and escape car driver...

all in one!

Christopher Reed, 45, was arrested in a FLORIDA TODAY parking lot just a few minutes after being both robber and getaway driver in a bank robbery of the Space Coast Island Credit Union. The kicker? (I used this word for a reason, as you'll soon see) Well, there are a few. 

First, Reed claims he was held at gunpoint by two men, forcing him to commit the robbery on their behalf. He said that the money was given to those men, but was later identified as the only culprit in the crime.

Next, he committed the crime and escaped in a motorized scooter. He only made it about a block away before being apprehended, due to what Officer Vic Desantis calls "a miscalculation of his ability to flee the scene."

Also, he had been drinking (and yes, you can get a DUI in a wheelchair or motorized scooter). Vodka was recovered from his scooter, and contributed to his charges.

AND, (this part's my favorite) he hid the loot in his prosthetic leg. It was later recovered.

Wow. This story just kicked my ass.  

Probably made a hollow thumping noise too. Or jingled with change. Either would be hysterical.

So listen for the whir of a motorized scooter next time you're in line at the bank, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

Getting it on at everyday low prices.

But it's turning out to cost him quite a bit.

A 15 year old sits in juvenile detention today after his plan to photograph his girlfriend in a sexy photo shoot went awry.
The reason? The supplies for the shoot were stolen from a nearby Walmart Supercenter. Officer Robert Vega recovered a great deal of stolen merchandise for his sexy spread, including (and this might help those of you formulating Christmas lists):

• a $59.77 camera,
• $14.88 memory card
• $3 pack of AA batteries
• $12.48 wallet (to hold WHAT money?)
• $10 worth of underwear (that may be the sexiest thing of all. Mmmm....Wal-Mart panties...)- one thong and two other sets. Both boy-cut style, though the cheekies are cuter.

He is currently in a juvenile detention center in Fort Pierce. No word as to whether or not this will turn his 16-year old girlfriend on.

Damian is alive and well...

and may be shooting to become an actual mad doctor.

An 11-year old in Fort Pierce hit his mother in the head with a saw, during a struggle in which she was trying to get him to take his medication. Once his pregnant 19-year old sister saw that her mother was bleeding, she urged her to call the police. Realizing what was going on, the 11-year old pleaded with his mother not to phone 911, claiming it was an accident and offering her $5 as an incentive. (Though given the recession, I would have taken it and called anyway.)

Needless to say, she called them anyway, and the boy is awaiting an aggravated battery charge.

I feel I would be remiss if I didn't mention some of this young man's other exploits. Among them are a threat to the 19-year old to "give her a C-section" with a fork, and using hairspray and a cigarette lighter to set the family cat on fire.

So hats off to this young man for showing the dangers of improperly medicated children, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

Dane Cook fans, here's the thing...

"Christ Chex" aren't actually a thing.

33-year old John Samuel Ricci, of Connecticut, interrupted a church assembly to try and steal communion wafers. 

NOTE: This may actually top the Vienna sausages, of foods I do not deem worthy of stealing.

While no motives were given, at lease seven parishioners were offended enough to hold him down long enough for police to arrive. 

Ricci was charged with two counts of battery, theft and disruption of a religious assembly.

Vienna sausages: worthy of beating people up?

apparently crackheads think so.

Maxie L. Davis of Fort Pierce allegedly punched a woman multiple times, telling her not to "disrespect him in his house." Her crime of disrespect? Opening and eating a can of sardines and Vienna sausages.

There's really not a whole lot else to say about this one, other than this:

Of the episodes of "food related Florida assault" I've seen, this is by far the weirdest, and the most unwarranted. I mean, sardines and Vienna sausages? Seriously?

Florida's greatest love affair...

with Tasers.

Duane Linscott had a pretty impressive record of things that he did in what was supposed to be a routine traffic stop. Rather than try to be poetic, I'm going to list them in hopes that the asinine nature of the situation will speak for itself.

Linscott:

• prematurely braked, in hopes that the officer would hit him, thus slowing down the pursuit and allowing him to escape;
• sideswiped a minivan in an apartment complex before jumping from his moving 1994 Isuzu;
  
• allowed said Isuzu to crash into a tree;
  
• punched, kicked, and pushed the officer before stealing his Taser;
• and was booked for "assault with a deadly weapon (the truck, not the Taser), aggravated fleeing to elude, three charges of battery on an officer, depriving an officer of means of protection, three counts of obstructing or opposing an officer with violence, leaving the scene of a crash with property damage, possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, and driving with a suspended license."

Wow. That's all I've got. I'll actually give this a HOORAY SEFFNER, because I feel they've earned it as a city.

Time was, we used to use oregano for this...

is it actually a crime?

Time now for yet another charge that I did not know was a crime..."possession of a counterfeit controlled substance with intent to deliver." Even if you fake it, they can still arrest you.

The counterfeit substance in this case? Parsley.

A 15 year old in Port St Lucie and his 13 year old friend were headed to the house of a third friend, who they intended to make smoke the fake Mary Jane. Apparently, the third young man had smoked the day before, so they thought they'd try to fake him out.

However, they made the grave error of doing all this during school hours. When they were caught (presumably by a truant officer), they were booked on the charge in question.

See? I learn something new every day!

On this episode of "The Shield"...

in which the shield is a grandfather.

Rashad A. Lee should win some sort of medal for endangering as many people in a domestic situation as possible. He was fighting with his live in girlfriend, when police arrived to mitigate the situation.

When they tried to arrest him, Lee did what was apparently the most logical thing he could think of- he pulled his 72 year old grandfather from the chair he was seated in, and used him as a barrier between himself and the police.

Unharmed, Lee's grandpa was returned to his chair, and Lee was sent to the Hillsborough County jail, where he is currently being housed without bail. No word on the girlfriend, interestingly enough.

So good ingenuity, but watch out for your loved ones Rashad, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

He beat a skin tumor and a cat...

but unfortunately, could not beat cancer :(

Florida lost a great champion this past week in Gus, the 9 year old Chinese crested dog, who succumbed to cancer this week. Despite the money from his 3 time championships going toward his radiation, he was not able to make it through.

His 3 titles? "World's Ugliest Dog."

Apparently Gus' unique look was the result of losing a leg to a skin tumor, and an eye to a cat fight. But he persevered through these challenges to win three national titles at the contest held in Sonoma, California.

So rest in peace Gus, and HOORAY FLORIDA for being home to such a (unique) champion.

A change these parents can believe in...

The need to explain your parents' ridiculousness to your grandkids.

Before our president-elect had even been named, a baby in Hollywood, Florida had been named for him. Sanjae Obama Fisher was born at 8pm, just three hours before the 44th president was officially announced on Tuesday, November 4th.

Like with the baby named Sarah McCain Palin, hospital spokespeople have deemed this the father's idea. Wonder who'd win between the two kids in a playground fight? One would ask for help from his peers, while the other would come out with some maverick ideas, before finding a partner to fight that ultimately just wasn't prepared for the situation.

In any case, welcome to the world Sanjae Obama, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

The whole situation stinks...

hopefully one of his methods of protection was effective.

Against wetness or against the police, not sure.

A 23-year old man caused a lockdown of an apartment building and a school, summoned dogs, and helicopters were called for a search. Now, I'm not sure if this is more ridiculous because it was over 1 can of deodorant spray, or because the gun in question was a BB gun. 

In either case, the Broward County cops who were in charge of the investigation did not realize the gun was a fake, and thus started a full scale pursuit.

The man was eventually found, and is being held on $50,000 for robbery with a weapon.

FL nudists can't tell the naked truth

...in their own polling space.

Residents of the Caliente nudist resort in Pasco County have asked the county Supervisor of Elections to establish a separate polling space for them, so that they can feel comfortable going into pooling spaces sans clothing.

Social awkwardness aside, SOE Brian Corley has more interesting practical concerns:

"Plus, there are more practical considerations. Nothing in state law prohibits a nudist polling place, but how would the clerks and deputies wear their badges?"

So fine, the nudists have to go vote with everyone else. Pasco County residents, think about that in the event you get to sit in the polling space. 

So hats of to the rigid Brian Corley, and HOORAY FLORIDA!