the bus, the bus, the bus is on fire...

we don't need no shoes, let the mother f***er burn...

a school trip to universal studios got a bit more epic than expected for 43 students and their chaperones in palm beach. the bus caught fire on the florida turnpike, and the occupants of the bus were forced to the side of the road, waiting for a replacement bus as theirs burned to a shell.

seventeen students lost backpacks in the fire, while two lost shoes (why?), so the bus was forced to stop at a wal-mart, lest they be refused entrance without shoes after such an adventure. 

and yet, for all the hubbub, one mother claims the kids "had a blast" and genuinely enjoyed the trip, despite it nearly literally going up in smoke.

so hooray for accidentally exciting field trips, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

only you can help

identify this furniture-stealing tool.

the search for the missing chair from the hyde park pita pit is still on. as you may recall, a chair went missing from the eatery after a drunk macdinton's patron came to the restaurant, ordered food, and decided he also wanted a chair to go.

this video, courtesy of the store's security camera, shows the theft, but not who the thief was, at least not clearly.

so it's up to you. if you can identify this restaurant furniture enthusiast, speak up. the pita pit will feed you for free in exchange for information.

so hooray for falafel-induced crime tips, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

so listen, i love wings.

clearly not as much as calvin edwards loves wings.

calvin loves wings so much, he'd pull a knife in an argument with his brother over them. i don't feel similarly.

calvin and his brother were in the kitchen with their mother, when a skirmish broke out between the two, presumably over who got the last one, but the article doesn't say. calvin pulled a pocket knife on his brother and threatened to cut him. i like this particular part of the article, so i'll give it to you verbatim:

"the brother backed away and went to notify authorities, fearing he'd be cut." his only injury is on his wrist, but fear not emo kids: it's from trying to escape being cut.

in another surprise, when the police did arrive, they couldn't find the knife. when you think about it, they do resemble a wing in build...hope nothing dangerous happened.

so here's to an unhealthy love of chicken, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

stage violence: now with real violence!

but wait, there's more!

i don't know how okay the audience would be with this level of authenticity.

bill bordy, the vice president of the sarasota senior theater was practicing a scene from steinbeck's "of mice and men", when he got a little bit too real. this evokes horror stories of overly zealous community theater directors, urging perfection and pushing their actors to deliver real performances. however, it's a good thing he missed.

bordy pointed the gun at fred kellerman, another actor in the production, and pulled the trigger. a very real bang ensued, and a very real bullet grazed kellerman's ear, due to bordy's thankfully bad aim. really.

practice resumed two hours later, in true fashion of dedicated performers, but with another actor understandably taking kellerman's place. i should point out, it's been a while since i read of mice and men, but i don't remember that part...

hooray for always striving for stage superiority, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

well, the cat's out of the bag...

the monkey is NOT out of the cage.

thousands of current and former UF students, faculty and staff received a cryptic, if sexy, message on their cell phones Tuesday night: "the monkey is out of the cage." however, it wasn't intentional. a former employee of the company that provides UF's emergency text message alert system admits to sending the message by accident.

while this hilarious but useless message was sent out over the airwaves en masse, it does not appear that any sensitive University information was disseminated in the same way.

of course, who's to say that a disgruntled employee with his monkey out of its cage ISN'T an emergency?

hooray for a new form of "sexting", and HOORAY FLORIDA!

crash....into me...

and the liquor store, and a truck, and a fence...

and also, a tree. but i didn't want to ruin it all in one shot.

an oldsmar man sits behind bars in the pinellas county jail tonight after several consecutive collisions. it started when he left the liquor store. as do all truly epic stories such as this. 

he backed into the truck trying to leave, adjusted, and drove forward...into the liquor store. seeing the chaos, he fled. in the process, he hit a tree, a vacant business, and a fence. needless to say, he didn't succeed in fleeing, and he was taken to the hospital with on-threatening injuries. 

so, hooray for alcohol-induced bumper cars, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

This IS a mayor...

and these ARE good things to pick up on.

I should mention, in the interest of full disclosure, that I am working on a campaign to Oren Koules to become a Jumbtron copy editor for the Tampa Bay Lightning. Besides being a huge fan, I'm also a grammar Nazi, and there are too many instances of errors on the big screen recently that have made me want to cry. We have one of the biggest display screens in the NHL, and inexcusable mistakes.

In any case, it makes me happy that other parts of Channelside are working on keeping the rest of the country from believing that we're idiots. Presently, there is a banner in downtown Tampa, reading "Welcome to Tampa Bay: There's so many reasons to like it." Pam Iorio is urging city officials to change it before the Super Bowl comes into town next week, lest it make us look stupid in front of the rest of the country, and indeed the world.

...

For the benefit of those who may not pick up on the error (for instance, the MAKER OF THE BANNER), I'll explain. "There's" would be correct if there were only one reason to like Tampa Bay. Were there to be more than one reason, the contraction should read "There're", for "there are". "There are" would be equally acceptable (and quite frankly, more aesthetically pleasing).

So HOORAY (and I mean that) for a mayor who gets the importance of good grammar, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

seriously, just bizarre...

flew out of the plane and off the handle.

38 year old Marcus Schrenker, 38, of Indiana has this week been captured after staging a major plane crash to avoiding having to pay off debts and embezzled funds. it would appear that schenker was practicing as a money manager, even after his license expired in indiana.

he charged several investors over a quarter of a million dollars for services that he couldn't provide, and then later described himself as "financially insolvent." this insolvency was likely due to the $9 million in court claims he had amassed over the years. he was planning to file for bankrupcy in 2009, and then found what he clearly thought was a better idea.

he flew a plane toward the southeast, before faking a distress call and bailing out of the plane via parachute. he was seen in florida a few days later, before he was finally found in chattahoochee, wrists slit, near death, and muttering the words "die."

i can't even HOORAY on this one, as it is both horrible for the amount of money that he managed to take, and heartbreaking for the level of covert activity he felt he had to resort to, in order to escape the financial ruin that has hit everyone so hard these past few months.

the "monkey business" pun is too easy...

but i can't wait for the shit to hit the fan on this one.

i'm not being crass, or stereotypical. the monkey that is in fact on the loose in pinellas county has been known to throw his feces when he feels threatened.
clearwater police spokespeople have said that they do not know the origin of the loosed rhesus monkey, but know that citizens who choose to keep such an animal as a pet are required to have permits and special caging to contain them.

the associated press have referred to this monkey as a "fugitive." now, i'm curious, what did it do?
and the link for this story refers to this story as "anyone missing their monkey?"
...hey-o.

first the chair at the pita pit, and now this monkey. somewhere there's a monkey sitting in a stolen chair, flinging feces to save his life, i'll bet.

so hooray for suspicious simians roaming the streets, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

the florida anti-tampering act.

come to find out, it also applies to pie.

april evans was charged with donestic violence, delivery of a controlled substance, and violation of the florida anti-tampering act. all for serving her husband some pie.

the woman, eager to get her husband to fall asleep so she could sleep in another room uninterrupted (or unaccosted) reportedly served her husband a slice of pie "in an erotic manner." chocolate, in case you were wondering.

however, in this pie were also the ground remains of one Xanax, two Valium, and an Ambien. panama city police report that while she was only trying to get him to go to sleep, the dosage could have easily killed him. thankfully, jeffrey evans will live to see another day, and eat more pie. though maybe not pie made by his wife.

so hooray for recipes for disaster, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

you either get stealth, or girth.

and never the two shall work together...

an unidentified palm beach man was caught today trying to steal atms, but was caught on camera outside the walgreens.

he at least tried to disguise himself as he first tried to break into, and then tried to outright dislodge, the machines.

unfortunately, his considerable girth betrayed his desire to be invisible...as a ninja.

there is no word as to what the charges are, but the fashion police don't appear to have been called.

hooray for living your dreams, no matter how unsuccessful, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

the great chair mystery.

this is a more serious problem than you think.

the pita pit in soho is missing a chair. and it's serious.

"now pita pit is down to only nine chairs. they're not, like, cheap chairs. we have to get them shipped."

please note, the chairs are shipped from idaho.

apparently, a drunk patron that wandered over from macdinton's took a liking to said chair, made a clear decision, and dragged it out the door and across howard avenue. the owners of the pita pit went after the thief, but could not catch up with them.

repeat. the owners of the pita pit. could not keep up with a drunk person. a drunk person dragging a chair.

in any case, the hunt is on. and if you're the tenth person to get in the pita pit, lean by the door.

hooray for silly mysteries, and HOORAY FLORIDA! 

i like the quality descriptions in this story...

but the rest is just crappy.

a 'repugnant' odor was said to be coming from the porch of a fort pierce woman, when it was discovered to be a 'human bowel movement', complete with toilet paper!

the victim reported that she heard the doorbell ring, and saw a red jeep cherokee in the driveway. she didn't recognize the car, and didn't answer the door. neighbors later told her that a 'heavyset woman' left the stinky surprise on her porch before driving away. why the build detail was necessary, i don't even know.

despite the uniqueness of a mary kay woman in an SUV, there are no suspects at present. and far less surprising, no DNA evidence was collected. who'd want to?

hooray for crappy capers, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

a heisman legacy burden in the making...

may he share his namesake's faith and rocket arm.

clearwater's tom bradley strictly instructed his wife to not give birth until after the florida-oklahoma championship game. but she couldn't hold on. that is to say, his new son couldn't hold on- he felt he needed to see the game too. as a reward, he got a unique name, and likely a burden of expected football skills.

logan tebow bradley was born tuesday at morton plant hospital in clearwater- his mother insisted on being allowed to pick his first name. after the debaucle with the baby named for john mccain and sarah palin, i can't blame her for exercising that right. 

tom says it's a winning sign. millions of gator fans are likely feeling the same way tonight.

and now, in honor of the big game...

can we put the country's welfare on hold?

i understand that a lot of people feel more strongly about football than i do.

however, cliff stearns thinks it's important enough to postpone voting in the US senate.

stearns wrote a note to house speaker nancy pelosi requesting that votes scheduled for thursday night and friday morning (though not specified, maybe related to the economic stimulus package being proposed) be moved to an earlier date to allow him and his fellow delegates from florida and oklahoma to leave and attend the bcs championship game in miami thursday night. he attached a handwritten note to his typed plea: "madam speaker, kindly consider. thanks, cliff."

it should be noted that stearns was the only one of his fellow delegates from florida and oklahoma to sign the note.

no word as to whether his request was granted.

So hooray for fanatical fans, and HOORAY FLORIDA! (the state, not the blog, as i'm not informed enough to choose sides)

gangsta speak of the day:

"grill, a decorative accessory worn over the teeth and favored by rappers"

it just seems like poor form to take ostentatious things from people's houses. the result can only be bad: who isn't going to notice?

to that end, if i were the 18 year old houseguest of the 29-year old baller in question, i would not be stealing, for example, a crunk goblet or cristal. or, in this instance, his grill and OxyContin.

the article says, and i quote: "the prescription medication is listed as oxycodone, while the grill is described as 14 carat yellow gold and valued at about $350."

the woman is wanted on charges of theft and criminal mischief. so, if you see a suspiciously baller 18 year old acting oddly, you might want to tell the cops.

hooray for being both bold and baller, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

this would wig me out too...

and then i asked for $20.

raymond l bowen has been arrested several times in pasco county as his alter ego, alexis. his most recent mugshot, in which he is still wearing the black wig customary of her look, is evidence of this.

however, this is quite the interesting story. bowen climbed into the truck of a 59 year old Clearwater man, where he started fondling him. the following exchange went down:

ALEXIS: I need to make 20 bucks.

DRIVER: Get out of my truck.

alexis refused, arguing with the man until he found a safe place to pull over. after more arguing, the driver finally managed to call 911, and alexis was apprehended about 1/4 of a mile away. "she" was arrested on charges of burglary battery and criminal mischief.

So hooray for the crazy things some people will do for money, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

playing catchup.

in the craziness of the holidays, i'm gonna throw out a reader's digest version of several stories i found late in december, but was too busy (or unmotivated) to post for you. enjoy, and it's a whole lot of HOORAY at once, so be careful!

it's legal to spit in sarasota now! it was a law dating way back to prevent the spread of pathogens and disease from all the saliva in the streets. but they realized (finally) that it's a nearly unenforceable crime. Commissioner Kelly Kirschener suggested they start in baseball dugouts.

eggbeaters = a hot commodity in plant city. two men forcibly entered a house in plant city, demanding an eggbeater from the owner. and no, this wasn't code for anything- an eggbeater was found in one of the men's pockets upon their arrest, where they were charged with armed burglary of a dwelling and aggravated assault.

someone, somewhere is pissed. 26-year old devin perry is being held in alachua county jail for the theft of a fridge containing urine samples from a probation center. apparently he was taking them for "drug use." the fridge is still unaccounted for, but perry remains in jail. course, at this point, they could really follow their noses to the missing samples.

and in the category of stupid s*** teenage girls do... 9 girls from a boynton beach middle school were arrested for declining to share details about a fight on the school bus. it was later discovered, i'll find the story soon, that one of the girls pulled a knife. it does not remotely surprise me that something like that could happen on a school bus. needless to say, they're not allowed to ride the bus anymore. however, counterpoint: should these girls really be carpooling?

and this one is my personal favorite. a woman walked on campus to westchase elementary school, approached another woman while she was eating with six-year-olds, repeatedly punched her, left the lunchroom, yelled profanities at students, urinated in the hallway, and then was removed. she said it was an accident. i'm sure the cold bottle of her wine in her purse played a role as well. in any case, it's one of my favorite stories of 2008, no question. it just has so many parts! so many amazing parts!

may 2009 prove to be as prolific a year as 2008 was. otherwise, i'm out of a job!

hooray 2009!

and to start, here's some good old American ingenuity.

Ocala's Kelly Lemay called the police on her husband after an argument. After seeing no marks on her, they packed it in and left. 

She called them a second time that evening, and when they came, she had a black eye. She told the cops that her husband had hit her in the face with a frying pan. However, as they were handcuffing him and sending him away, she came clean, admitting to hitting herself in the face to get the cops to pay attention.

Then it was her turn in the handcuffs, charged with filing a false report.

As they say, "if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself."

Hooray for trying new things in 2009, and HOORAY FLORIDA!