my first video hooray! Hooray!

you might be...no, scratch that, you ARE a redneck if

you have anything to do with this parade. For those who are bummed that the Plant City Christmas parade was cancelled this year (though it was later rescheduled to this coming Friday the 19th), take comfort in the fact that the Chumuckla Holiday parade is still going strong this year. Note the "amphibian," a vehicle born when a boat "drove up a bit too far" onto the back of a truck. Or, the "Snowmuckla," a car with a tree fastened to a hole in its roof.

Classy, classy stuff.

So hooray to celebrating that which gives us a bad reputation, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

mommy's boy...

who is trying to get a woman involved in all this.

Attention ladies: if you get involved here, there is an infinitessimally small chance that she will not meddle in your lives.

A woman known only as "Christmas Mother-in-Law" has shelled out 500 dollars for an ad in the Tampa Tribune looking for a wife for Jason, her 37 year old son. He's a Leo who volunteers with Down's Syndrome kids, has no criminal record, and has been looking for Mrs Right since 2003, after a divorce.

The reply address is pastmarked in Virginia. Christmas Mother-in-Law will read every response, respond to each with a thank you card, send all of them to Jason, and he has agreed to meet with each woman who replies.

So far, there have been three responses. And for the record, two of them came from mothers of daughters who they thought would be a perfect match. Now that match-up? That's the stuff of television...or helicopter heaven.

Hooray for helicopter parents, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

It's a McShame.

but it could have been worse...

Vincent Gonzalez is in the custody of the Indian River Jail after hitting his girlfriend in the face with a cheeseburger.

The woman was sitting in a car in front of his house, when he entered the vehicle. They started arguing, but he refused to let her leave the car, causing her to throw his drink out the window for emphasis. His natural response was to hit her in the face with his cheeseburger. They stepped out of the car, where he hit her in the face with the burger again.

Charged with battery domestic violence, Gonzalez remains in jail.

Could have been worse though...could have been a Thickburger. That's close to a pound of meat, pretty serious. 

Hooray for creative fast food defense, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

Up on the housetop...

"I need more beer."

A man returned home to Indian River County on Wednesday to find 28-year-old Amber Smith on his roof, drinking beer and clearly intoxicated. 

The man told Smith to get down repeatedly, but she continued to refuse, saying she would get down if she was given more beer.

Apparently, this was her second charge of such a crime, and had been in this neighborhood drinking on the roof before.

She faces a charge of disorderly intoxication.

Hooray for pre-Christmas roof visitors, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

Yes, 30 minute delivery is nice...

but this pizza should also have been free.

What's a pizza man to do when he's only got $20 and no gun on him during a delivery?

Use the one weapon that he's got handy.

And not to cause heart disease, either. 

Eric Devaney, 40 (really?) was held up by a trio of teenage armed robbers, and threw the steaming pepperoni pizza at the boys before fleeing the scene and calling the police.

There was no word as to whether or not those who ordered the pizza received a new pizza, or if it was free.

Hooray for pizza man ingenuity, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

I've been remiss in posting...

but the Internet has me, and some co-workers mystified.

Today I submit to you not an article, but an email I received at my desk this morning. The problem must have fixed itself by now, but I'm more concerned about the intent with which the message was sent.


HCC Community,
Please be advised that the College Internet is down. The ISP is working to correct this problem. We will update as progress is made. We apologize for any inconvenience this may be causing.


Sincerely,

Chet Singleton

I'm sure by now you have figured out why this is ridiculous. The message went out via email.

Which uses the Internet.

I wish I could say this was the only occurrence of this I had seen, but it's not. When having Internet connectivity issues in my previous office, the tech was mystified that I had not called him to tell him where my office was, despite, his having emailed me.

So here's to cruising the information superhighway in the breakdown lane, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

(Real update soon, I promise!)

It's Christmas season!

...and the yuletide assaults have started early!

A 37 year old Manatee County man, clearly frustrated with his living situation (he lives with his parents) has lashed out. Or, branched out.

The Parrish resident was charged with assault after he threw a 3 foot Christmas tree at his father.

When the projectile pine narrowly escaped him, he tried again, this time with the 5 lb. tree stand.

The try was thwarted as his parents managed to grab his arms, but no matter. The charge of assault still stands (even without the 5 pound base for help!), despite the man's denial of trying to strike his father.

Technically speaking, he's correct. The tree was trying to strike him.

Happy Holidays to all, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

wigging out, literally.

or, "Does anyone know this guy's last name?"

A 20-year old woman was quite surprised when her former boyfriend rode by her on a bike and snatched off her black wig, sewn to her naturally blond hair. She was walking in Port St. Lucie when the snatching took place- he rode beside her and they started arguing, before he lifted the wig and slapped her in the face.

Needless to say, when the police arrived, her hair was in "disorder." No kidding, that's how it comes when it's got a wig sewn on it.

When asked about the identity of the Wig-burglar, the woman informed the police that she had been living with the man for eight months. However, she didn't know his last name, she could only recall the first letter of it.

While the police were taking an account of the wig-napping, he called her to further stoke the argument presumably.

The cops took the phone and spoke to him, in which he admitted to taking the wig, and then leaving when his former lady started crying.

The cops asked him his last name, and he promptly hung up the phone.

I can see where this would be very frustrating for authorities.

A very frustrating cycle (bicycle), indeed, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

When 2 for 1's are NOT so fun...

...when they add up to nearly 0.2. 

An 18 year old woman in Tampa managed to crash into two cars while driving drunk Saturday morning.

On the same street. 

Within 20 minutes of each other.

Lina Hincapie-Aristizaba's BACs when measured were .160 and .154, respectively.

She was charged with two counts of DUI, and one count of leaving the scene of an accident. However, she was released on $3000 bail.

Sweet lord, I hope they didn't let her drive herself home.

twinkle twinkle baby...

... Dave Chappelle would appreciate this.

The title is in reference to one of the final skits from Chappelle's Show, in which Chappelle sprinkles diamonds on his food, because:

(1) It's the most baller thing you can do to your food, and 

(2) It makes your doo-doo twinkle.

It's affecting the youth, Dave, it's affecting the youth. 

Naples police discovered in an X-ray of 18 year old William Colburn that a $16 pair of earrings had passed through the security checkpoint. (Don't worry, they'll "pass" again). Colburn dropped the earrings into a water bottle before leaving the store; when apprehended outside the store, he drank the water, sending the earrings along with it.

Colburn faces charges of retail theft and tampering with evidence, as well as a painful BM later on.

Fear not Billy Boy, this too shall pass, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

A new use for lube...

that only partially involves wrestling.

Apparently the police have never seen anything like it: a Fort Lauderdale man used a Vaseline-like lubricant to steal an expensive ring right off a woman's hand, in broad daylight.

80 year old Helen Artim was followed in a silver truck by two men, who hit her car from behind and then told her to follow them to check for damage. As she opened the trunk, one of the men used a greased up glove to touch her hand, loosening the ring and allowing him to slide it off. He then wiped her hand off with a towel...before pushing her to the ground, getting back in the truck and speeding off. How sweet.

The ring is valued between $20,000 and $30,000, but no arrest has been made. 

Despite the elaborate nature of this crime, Ft. Lauderdale police acknowledge its uniqueness, remarking that it doesn't appear to be part of a spree-type situation.

So keep your bejeweled hands in your pockets, and HOORAY FLORIDA!

My Super Violent Sixteen

...so ladylike, I must say...

Time was, we used to just threaten to call Child Services. We never fought back.

Course, at sixteen, we should have known better.

In Okaloosa County, a father and daughter found themselves in an altercation over an item in a house that had been broken. When the father raised his hand to spank his daughter, she fought back by punching him in the face. She tried to hit him several more times, before leaving the house with friends.

I'm sure she told them as she left, "my father is so embarrassing!" 

*sigh*

Youth...

The daughter is now facing misdemeanor battery charges. May this be more effective than threatening to take away her car keys.